I think I was in JSS 1 or 2 during a class on reproduction. And then there was this novel we read titled ‘The Pregnant Virgin’. I liked that book so much that I even summarized the whole thing. And then I read a lot of romance novels and those ones had a way of exaggerating and presenting sex as a heavenly thing. So, yeah, a combination of all that made me aware. I was literally 10/11 reading a lot.
So when did you eventually have sex?about:blank
After graduating secondary school. And I was very disappointed. It was awful, painful; nothing close to what the books put in my head. And it didn’t help that I did with someone who was as inexperienced as me.
How did that experience affect your sex life going forward?
After that first experience, I signed off the thing for like one year. Prior to the sex, I had made a promise to myself to not have sex till marriage. So doing it and finding that it was awful made it easy for me to sign off again. But then I got into a relationship with someone who was more experienced and after a while we started having sex and it was different. Maybe it was the inexperience of that first partner.
What’s your sex life like these days?
Inexistent. I have been single for like three years but I have had like one or two partners in that time. While the sex has been great when I chose to do it, let’s just say as you grow older, you get more selective and intentional about these things.
I wanted to ask about body issues and how it affects one’s sex life
Do you worry about what your partners see when you get naked?
Oh yeah. I get a little insecure about certain parts of my body. It actually takes a lot for me to decide to have sex with someone. So things like one-night-stands are definitely not for me. I have to try to get to know the person a little. You know, to understand how their mind works and how they think about sensitive issues such as body shaming, body positivity and all. I need to be able to trust them with my insecurity. I know there are people who may not care, people who go ‘shebi it just sex,’ but personally, that’s how it is for me.
What are you most insecure about?
I have stretch marks on my belly from when I was pregnant with my child. Half the time, I really don’t like it, to be honest. I think of my body before the child, it was mad. Like, I had a really toned body, an athlete’s body. I tried going back to that but at some point, one gets tired and everything comes back. Sometimes, I’m worried; other times, I couldn’t be bothered. And that’s facts. I love my child so much but I’d be lying if I said I do not sometimes bother about my pre-pregnancy body.
How much do you think body issues affect sex for you?
LOL. I’d rather speak from a general perspective. I think that it’s a demon that one has to first fight personally before anything. Especially when you have been with someone who messed with your mind and confidence. There are men who try to compare you to models and Instagram babes who have clearly been under the knife to enhance their bodies. So first cleansing your mind of those negativity and toxic deposit is most important. Your stretchmarks , folds, etc don’t define you. I think beauty and confidence are things of the mind first of all.
I feel you.
Yeah. And you have to be true to yourself. If you are simply just not feeling sexy about yourself because of your big arms, flabby tummy or anything that you could try to do something about, then try to do something about it. Hit the gym if you can, be more intentional about your hygiene, etc. And if you can afford surgery, why not go ahead and do that as well?! See, in the end, I think that this thing is deeply personal and while having a great partner makes sense, it still does not come close to being personally convinced of your sexiness.
Think of it this way: no matter how positive and reassuring your partner is, he’s going to get tired at some point if you’re constantly, permanently feeling low about your body and consistently seeking assurance from him. It’s going to drain him. Do you need support while going through this process? Absolutely. And that’s where your friends, siblings, partner come in. You know how DJ Khaled was when Rick Ross was trying to lose weight?
That’s it! They can gas you up, and support you and do all of that but in the end, it all comes down to you going through the process yourself.